Memory Lane

For some reason, I had the urge to open a few old boxes that have been packed up since I moved 3 years ago, just to see what forgotten treasures I could find. Well, I didn't find much, except for an old Batman nutcracker and some of my old journals! You know those are always fun to read through. And oh what fun it was.

I started journaling later in junior high, and throughout most of high school, so you can imagine the kind of shit I would write about. And if you know me, and what I was like back then, it was definitely interesting. The majority was just mindless rantings about crushes I had on boys, relationships I went through, and a lot of heartbreak. Enough heartbreak to feed a village, figuratively speaking. I was one sad and depressed little girl, and now that I look back on it, it made sense at the time to freak out at these things, because that's all I knew.

Things are so different now, I worry about life goals and grown up things. Back then, all I cared about was whether or not this guy liked me. That was my whole world. So of course that's all I'm going to write about! And considering what crazy hormonal shit I was going through, I realized how much of a fucking 16 year old I was. I'm happy that I have mellowed out since then, or else I would be a crazy ass bitch wanting to kill my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend for no apparent reason. It was kind of funny looking back on all that. All of the things that made me want to die at the time, thinking 'This is it. This is all there is to life.', when really it's not. It makes me actually appreciate having to experience all that in order to be a stronger person in the real world. But in some ways, I really haven't changed. Almost 10 years later, and I am still struggling with some of the same problems I had when I was a teenager. I never realized it until now. Makes me wonder if it's ever going to change.

I still do keep a journal, aside from this blog of course, for those days where I feel like I need to get something out. I wonder what it will be like to read that in another 10 years?

...

The amount of loneliness that I'm experiencing right now is painful.

I didn't leave my house yesterday, and most likely won't again today, because I have no friends and my boyfriend is allusive. I need to stop getting my hopes up that someone will actually want or can hang out with me. I like my alone time, but living my life alone is enough to make it not worth anything.

What the fuck am I doing here? This fucking sucks.

That Time I Went Rafting

Well, work has been absolutely exhausting and crazy, but I'm loving it. I'm usually fully booked everyday, sometimes with just a little bit of time to work on things, but oh man. I'm not used to this much of a work load, so on my days off I'm pretty much just a corpse. At least I get a three day weekend!

I totally forgot to post pictures from the rafting adventure I had with Kelsey and her boyfriend Carson. So, to make up for my heinous mistake, here are a few shots from one of the best days off I've had in a long time. We first went rafting for 3 hours, then almost immediately went on a 3 hour bike ride. I burnt my legs pretty good. Good enough to cause one of my feet to swell up and freak the shit out of me. I thought I was dying. But thats all well and good, now I'm just peeling like the lizard woman I am.

Raftin' it up!

We discovered, and conquered, a log!

Kelsey and Carson

I found a piece of the Triforce!

My extremely swollen feet. Ooooh man.

Me vs. Myself

If you asked me, 'Could you get any lazier?', I would have to say no. Having three days off in a row is proving to be very nice, but also not so good for my motivation. Not that I have lots to do or places to be, but I find it very hard to actually start things and finish them when I have so much free time.

Today I've thought about what I did when I was younger, like fresh into high school younger. I had two whole months off, and I didn't have a job, so what the hell did I do in my spare time? I figured, pretty much the same as what I do now; sit around, go on the computer, play video games, do some artwork, and at that time I used to play guitar. I also used to hang out with my friends a lot. But that's the big difference. None of us had anything better to do, so we would all just hang out, have sleep overs, and do teenagery type things. Now, we all have jobs, some go to university, and a few live in a different city. So it's hard to do those things anymore.

If I thought that growing up would be this socially damaging, I would have opted out of it all together. But unfortunately that's not an option. Just kind of sucks that once you get older, you get those responsibilities that you wanted so badly as a teenager, but it sucks the fun out of everything. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough? It's hard though, when your best friends are all out there doing their own thing, and I'm here doing my thing, which doesn't really seem like that much. I mean, sure, I'm a tattoo artist. That's a really hard, mentally and physically exhausting job. But I don't go to school, I don't live on my own, and definitely in the same city as I have always been in. I am really busy at work, but I seem to have so much free time on my hands that I don't know what to do. I think too much about what I could be doing that I just waste most of my time. I need to be more productive, I need to keep myself busy, otherwise I just get super bummed out. Maybe I need to disconnect my TV for a week, shut myself off from anything distracting, I don't know.

I just want to have that same level of contentment that I used to have. Right now I'm struggling with myself, which is my biggest problem. Not sure what I'm planning on doing, but today I'm going to take the first step of getting out of my own way.

Summer Days

Know what I haven't done in awhile? Blogged. You know why that is? Cause I'm a lazy fuck, and I've been busy, you know, doing stuff. Like, going out and enjoying the summer kind of stuff. And working a shit tonne.

But Kelsey is in town for a few days, so we're getting up to shenanigans. Today we're going rafting! Like in t-minus 1 hour. And plus I get to wear my new super-awesome-and-cute bathing suit. I'm going to try to squeeze as much fun stuff in this summer as I can. Since I'm not going on vacation this summer (boo!), I'm going to just have to make do with what Calgary has to offer (which is not much). Well, there is the Stampede, but I think I would rather save my money for something worthwhile. Sorry douche bags! But there are lots of things to do if you put your mind to it.

Well, I better go get ready for my rafting escapade, there will be documentation!